Homer Simpson facepalm

Sick of Low Rake? Try Poker MIRA

As we approach the end of 2014, many websites, industries, newspapers, and what-have-you will unveil their “Best Of” and “Worst Of” lists for the year. What is always exciting is when a top contender emerges just as the calendar is about to turn to the next page. Now, we can’t say that what we are about to discuss is a new development, but it is new to us and has certainly rocketed to the top of the “Worst Online Poker Ideas of 2014.”

Noticed by a poster on Two Plus Two, Poker MIRA, an independent poker room based out of Curacao, has implemented something so mind blowingly dumb that it has to be a joke. It has to. If you look carefully at the cash game lobby, you might notice some tables marked in orange. Open one up and it looks like any other table, except for one thing: the table name is preceded by the words “Unlimited Rake.”

[spit take]

[rub eyes]

[look again]

What the…OH MY GOD…this can’t be real…hold on moment…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, I’m in pain. Please, please stop, take that off my screen.

UNLIMITED RAKE TABLES? Surely you can’t be serious.

Oh, but Poker MIRA is most definitely serious. The site explains the glory of the tables as so, “It’s a new opportunity from Poker MIRA to become a leader of Rating Races! Play on new cash tables «Unlimited Rake Table» with standard $5 rake, but without limit of maximum rake amount. Playing on «Unlimited Rake Table» tables will increase your chances to whip creation in the Race Rankings!”

Poker MIRA, like most other sites, has a loyalty program called, simply, a Rating system. By earning VIP points, players can advance in Rating. The higher the Rating, the faster VIP Points can accrue, which can be used to buy tournament tickets and enter freerolls. Players can also earn Ratings Points, which are calculated in the same way, but are simply used for ranking players. The top players each month share a cash prize.  Fry Futurama Shut Up and Take My Money

So, in offering Unlimited Ra…cough…I’m sorry, it is just hard to type…Unlimited Rake Tables, Poker MIRA is offering players the chance to take the express train to the top of the ratings. Yeah, that will work.

I mean, how on earth did the management at Poker MIRA come up with this? It sounds like a scheme by BIG POKER to just bilk unsuspecting players out of their money.

BIG POKER EXEC #1: Hey, Todd, I’ve got a great idea. You know how we’ve been trying to attract recreational players?

BIG POKER EXEC #2: [stroking white cat] Yessss?

BIG POKER EXEC #1: Well, we’ve been going about it all wrong. We have plenty of recreational players. What we don’t have enough of is their money.

BIG POKER EXEC #2: [adjusting pinky ring] Go on…

BIG POKER EXEC #1: These suckers play and play and play but can never achieve high Ratings. They simply don’t play as much as our big grinders. And you know they want to achieve cool titles because they will point and click and bother their “friends” all day just to get to the next level on the latest Zynga game. So why don’t we give them a boost?

BIG POKER EXEC #2: [clips cigar] I’m not about to give people Ratings just to be nice. We’re not running a charity.

BIG POKER EXEC #1: No, I know. That’s the best part. These players are so stupid that they will fall for anything. So here’s what I propose: UNLIMITED. RAKE. TABLES. We tell them that more rake is good for them because it will advance them up the Rating ladder faster! They will just hand us their money while thinking they are getting something out of it!

BIG POKER EXEC #2: I love you. Let’s hit the sauna.

Unlimited rake tables have got to be one of the top handful of dastardly creations in the history of online poker. Can you imagine how quickly players would see their stacks drained? It’s like going to Dave & Busters and loading up your card just to play games for tickets. You have no concept of how much you are spending on each game because you pay in “credits” rather than real money. Then, just like that, your balance is wiped clean and you have collected enough tickets for a shot glass. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

These assholes can’t be serious about this. I mean, I guess they are, since the tables exist, but holy shit. Fortunately, nobody is playing on them, so I suppose the scheme hasn’t worked yet.

ALTERNATE TAKE: Anyone who plays on an Unlimited Rake table is obviously stupid, right? So if you are a strong player, which you of course are, you should play on them and clean up. Oh my god, this is brilliant.

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